Finally Picking Up My Broken Pieces

I've been thinking a lot lately. Soul searching, as you may call it. I have realized multiple things about myself. It's kind of crazy how much you can figure out when you just sit down and think about it. Take yourself out of your own shoes for a bit. Then put yourself deep inside your head for a sharp contrast. A lot can happen. So over deep thinking and a lot of tears, I have come to multiple conclusions. All of which I will list.
I'm incredibly stubborn and unforgiving. I will also assume you have wronged me, and that I have done nothing wrong, even if the wronging was mutual. I'm going to work on this. I preach forgive and forget, but I never really follow it in my heart of hearts. I'm going to start this now. I'm working on it. A few people at a time. Some of the people I have to contact scare me a bit. Not them, but what may happen. But I have to stop fearing the necessary. Fear is crippling. So, I can hold a grudge. I'll change that. I will.
I make false promises to myself. I tell myself I'm going to do something, and I never really do it. You know? I am bent on getting something done, like homework, or RP posts, or even talking to someone about something, and it never gets done. And I blame it on me not having enough time. I have plenty of time. I just waste it thinking about nothing and doing nothing. I really need to get cracking if I want to make it anywhere in the world.
I am incredibly dependent. I like to tell myself I'm a strong independent young woman. But I'm not. I need people to lean on. Without people to lean on I'd be a mess. Thus why I was a mess years ago. I didn't think anyone had my back. Little did I know, many people cared. I need to think that constantly. I'll never be alone. I have friends and family who love me. Loneliness is only a state of mind. It's not a reality. Not for me, at least.
I recently have semi-mastered the art of seeing auras. I can see the auras of many people, though color is still something that is difficult. And for some reason, I can't see them well on my friends. Anyway, I see some people out there in the world have gorgeous auras. I feel like these people have wonderful hearts, like they are just great people once you get to know them. This has really clouded my vision on my own feelings. I want to befriend people and such for the wrong reasons. I realize this. I know who these people I have been "crushing over" are. And I'm going to stop that. I'll find real reasons to befriend them. Not possible reasons. I'm not that good yet. I could be wrong.
As much as I try not to. I care too much about public opinion. I dissect everything I do before I do it. Who I'm friends with. Who I sit with at lunch. Who I like. What I do. etc. All because I think people care enough to... care. You know? It's stupid. I don't notice those things, why should they? And who cares? If I'm happy than to hell what they think! That's how I'll actually try to think now. I'm not going to just say I think it. I'm going to think it.
Yup. That's it for now. Soul searching, ftw. Let's see if it all works out. I feel fulfilled in a way. Writing it down, thinking about all of it. Wish me luck! I wish you luck in your own soul searching.
Much Love,
~ Jenna