Much Love?

I am feeling very loved at the moment. I think I am at least. Hahaha. Well, it seems that the random things I do that are just me provoke warm fuzzy feelings in others, toward me of course. I swear I've heard, "I love you Jenna," or something along the lines like a million times from like twenty different people this week alone! (Well, a bit of an exaggeration... not quite a million. Hahaha) I guess it is my quirks that I take for granted, because, well... I live with them. I can't really get a rest from myself. I was called endearing the other day. And I, The Queen of Vocabulary, forgot what it meant. Hahaha.

Main Entry:
en·dear
Pronunciation:
\in-'dir, en-\
Function:
transitive verb
1 obsolete : to make higher in cost, value, or estimation
2: to cause to become beloved or admired [They endeared her to the public]
— en·dear·ing·ly \-iŋ-lē\ adverb

Well, that's it. Hahaha. Won't forget it now. But, back to my topic. It appears as though people love me a lot more than they did before. What I mean is that before this month or so people just regarding me as Jenna. Now I seem to be regarded as more than that in more people's eyes. I'm regarded as amusing. And it is rather nice. Except when I have no idea why people are laughing at me. Hahahaha. It’s got me thinking though. Does our modern culture use the word "love" to lightly? Or is it just my school? Hahaha. Well everyone everywhere tells everyone that they love them. For random reasons, like opening a door, getting someone a cookie. It's nice to show such affection, but do you really love said person. If you say "I love you" to everyone for everything it loses its touch. The word doesn't have the luster it used to have.
You may love these people, as friends, family, etc. But I personally think we should save the expression for special moments, not when someone goes to fetch a backpack with you. Maybe for times when you stay on the phone with someone for hours, helping them resolve problems. Or when you help someone who is sick or hurt. Not simple everyday things.
I am guilty of the overuse of the word love. You can see, I end most of my posts with "Much Love." But that is not as bad as "I love you" all the time. But, I do that as well. And I mean it, but I should save it, so it is more special to everyone.
Much Love...?
~ Jenna

The Painful Truth

Pain...? Yes, it is something I am familiar with. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and any of those other "ly"'s (Except Sexually, and anything similar... Heh-heh) So yes... pain. Great pain, not so great pain, little pain, big pain, immense pain, happy pain, throbbing pain, you know the works. The reasons for my pain today, well I can't say. There are many reasons. Some I can't quite put my finger on, some I could get a bulls eye on if my pain where a dart board. Yes, pin is something I know. Pain is something we all know.
I don't quite know why I decided to talk about pain today. It's not like I'm depressed again. I'm far from that. Any maybe, that is the cause of my pain. No, I do not mean that being happy causes me pain. What I mean is the things that come along with happiness and what come along with actually being social sometimes complicate things. And complication often leads to pain.
I guess you could say that I am glad for the complications. For this pain that I have now is not the pain I used to endure when I was feeling low. It's a different kind of pain, a confused heart throbbing pain. A pain that I know wouldn't quell with the making of more pain as old pains did. A pain that has many solutions, all confusing and all impossible for my heart to want to pursue.
You know of this pain, I bet you do, yet you don't know it. It's a mixture of anxiety, confusion, excitement, and all the rest of those high strung feelings. I know there is one path I should follow to end this pain, but it is easier said than done. And as I've observed, it still doesn’t get easier there is just new pain.
Now, I shall stop depressing you. And no I'm not depressed... I'm just reflective. (This keyboard squeaks...) Well, talk to you later.
Much Love, (Yes, I know you missed the love)
~ Jenna

The Grass Is Always Greener

I'm depressed... no, I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at the fact that I think I'm depressed when really I am annoyed. At myself. At my lack of ability to do anything that I want to do. At my lack of ability to just assert myself and be myself and not hide in the corner, and not look down at the floor or be afraid of eye contact... with anyone for that matter. Did you know that? I'm afraid of eye contact... and I don't really know why. It freaks me out... to personal or something. I'd rather look at your forehead, or nose, or just past your face. I do not like to look into people's eyes. But this is off subject. I'm still annoyed.
I know of another person who is annoyed, she is also annoyed by her lack of ability. I tell her that she is at least able to get past the stage in which is blocking me. She can talk; she can make eye contact... I can't. She tells me that what I want is not all it's cracked up to be... well, the grass is always greener my friend. And at the moment, my grass is pretty burnt and ugly. I'd like a taste (or feel rather) of soft green grass. I'm sick and tired of old dead burnt grass!!! Well, now I'm speaking in code. Sort of. Well, if you can interpret this you are quite skilled. I applaud you... but you're probably wrong.
So pretty much I am frustrated and annoyed at myself for being stupid. Very stupid. In a place where I should not be stupid. Stupidity is bad in the place that it is coming out. Eye contact... I should practice...
Whatever,
~ Jenna

Words, Words, Words

In the spirit of free writing I have decided to do a word association thingy. I'm going to start with one word then write a word that I think of with that word and so on. Let's see where I end up!
Okay I’ll start with, because I am in the computer lab…
Computers. Printers. Paper. Paint. Red. Apple. Fruit. Vegetables. Carrot. Rabbit. Sesame Street. Barney. Dinosaur. Triceratops. The Land Before Time. My Cat. Woburn. Cigarettes. Youth. Innocence. Love. Valentines Day. Being Single. Marriage. Divorce. My Parents. My Step-Parents. Beaches. Shells. My Former Babysitter. Babysitting. Dragonflies. Glass Cups. Glasses. Blindness. Darkness. Night. Twelve Midnight. Crabs. Rhode Island. Water Skiing. Jet Skiing. Maine. Boats. New York. Broadway. Writing. Reading. Books. Magical Powers. Role-playing. Gaia. Decline. Incline. Circle. Geometry. Algebra. Numbers. Television. Movies. My Cousin. Confirmation. Religion. The Pope. Old. My Grandparents. Florida. Disney World. Swimming Pools. Life Jackets. My Brother. Music. Paramore. Owls. Mice. Winter. Snow. Rain. Umbrellas. Plaid. Sweater Vests. Khaki Pants. Easter. Jelly Beans. Starbursts. Skittles. Soul Mates. Happiness. Sadness. Depression. Suicide. Friends. Fun. Sun. Hot. Cold. Refrigerators. Smoothies. Breakfast. Dinner. Chairs. Sofas. Recliners. Brookstone Store. Twenty Questions. MASH. Eighth Grade. High School. Brooks. Education. Writing. Life. Love. Hearts. Stars. Bananas. Hyper. Cheerios. Child Hood Games. Shoots and Ladders. Snakes. Lizards. Imaginary Friends. Cartoon Network. Channel Locks. The Number Four. Green. Trees. Forests. My Grandmothers Old House. Peaches. Fuzzy. Bears. Fires. Fire Men. Police Men. Guns. Violence. Blood. Vampires. Garlic. Italian Food. Alfredo Sauce. The Macaroni Grill. The Loop. Bath and Body Works. Lotion. Hands. Feet.
Okay. That’s Hundred Fifty Words. I think I’ll stop at that. Plus I have practice in five minutes. So I shall go. Hope you enjoyed my journey from Computers to Feet. Hahaha.
Abundant Felicity,
~ Jenna

Stand Up Comedian or Talk Show Host? Well... Maybe...

Okay, so I have been told to free write. I’m not really sure why, but the reasons appear to be about the fact that I seem to make people laugh. I’m not really sure how I make people laugh, I’m just being myself and people laugh. Is this a good thing? It’s not like demeaning laughter… I’m not really sure what kind of laughter it is. But said people say I should start a talk show… or become a comedian or something. I don’t know, that might be fun. So… I’m supposed to free write now… but what about? Just to warn you I shall follow my train of thought freely, I won’t try and restrain it, for your amusement. Usually, in my writing I try to stay on one road, but now… I shall explore.
Let’s start with cats. For I just got a cat. She is so cute but she doesn’t have a name yet. She has a Hitler mustache. Or something that looks like one. We just read about Hitler in History, for we are learning about World War II. When you spell World War II do you put “II” or “2” or “Two?” I don’t know, Roman numerals confuse me. I don’t really get the whole “V” and “X” thing. And what is after that? I have no idea. According to Opera I have some sort of crazy mind thing that makes me see things differently. I associate each letter with a color, some are the same color, and they each have a gender and stuff. Numbers too actually. You know, “A” is red, “B” is blue, “C” is yellow… whoa, primary colors, never thought of that… but “D” is purple. Haha. I used to wear purple a lot, my grandma said it was my color, but it is actually her color and she liked to buy it for me. I like to buy a lot of red clothes now. I just bought a red dress, it made me look like a red zebra, I liked it though. Haha. That comment will come back to haunt me. Like my convict shirt. I have a black and white striped shirt that makes me look a bit like a jailbird. I’m going to miss Halloween this year, it is sort of sad. I’m going to be in India though, so it is totally worth it. (Whoa… that wasn’t as random as it looks…) I’m so excited for India. We have a Facebook group already. You can find like anything on Facebook, even LOL Catz. My brother and I want to take LOL Catz pictures with our new cat. That should be fun.
Well, that was a round about thought, since it went back to where I started. Hmmm, that wasn’t a great one. I should do it live or something. Hahaha, on camera. That might be fun. Well, that’s the end of my little rant/ free write. See you next time when I… do something cool…
Much Love!!!
~ Jenna
P.S. I think I may post this on Facebook for the fun of it.

Sketchy Person I Am

Yes, it is true. I am a sketch. Many of you know I am a sketch. Many of you know this but not to the actual extent it really is. For I am sketchier than you may know. Actually, you probably do know. Hahaha.
I follow people, yes I stalk people. I find joy in figuring out other peoples schedules in relation to mine. Even people I don't really care about that much. I know most of my friends schedules, though they may not know it. That is the sketchy part of it. I also look for people in certain places and pay attention to what they do each day. Sketchy I know. I need to break myself of such a habit, but I don't know how. And to tell you the truth, it is quite fun. Hahaha.
I should be an anthropologist or something. For it is quote a fun thing for me to do, and I enjoy it a little too much. So you better watch out, I may be stalking you. Muahahahahaha. Well, probably not. Actual, if you read this blog I am probably good friends with you, for I don't know why else you would read it. So, I probably do stalk you to an extent. For I do stalk my friends... Odd I know.
Why am I even writing this?!? I'm just going to sketch out the masses. It actually isn't that bad though, I think. I do it so nobody knows, I think. And it's not that bad of stalking. I don't know what said people did on Saturday night if you were wondering. Hahahaha. Just classes and stuff. For it is fun, and it occupies me. And it is quite useful at times. For there are the select people whom I stalk for specific reasons. Hehehe.
So you better watch out! For I may be watching you!!!
Much Love,
Abundant Felicity,
~ Jenna

There Are Many Songs For Karma.

As my title says, there are many songs about Karma. But the weird thing is I don't have one. And I should! For it affects me so greatly. Karma... what comes around goes around as they say. A conversation with a friend recently reminded me about this subject, this superstitious belief. The reminder of this subject got me thinking. Maybe the recent events in my life have been in direct relation to Karma. Both the good and the bad.
I got into India because I have never been to any other country but have always had an interest. I have been getting actual lines in the spring play because I haven't complained much about the small parts or lack there of in the past. I'm feeling more confident because I have recently been helping others find their own in life over the internet. I might be getting a cat because I have been waiting for one for my whole life (minus the year I had one then gave it away when we moved) and I have always cared for animals. Those are the good, obviously... the bad I'll get to later, or maybe not even mention...
To speak not of myself, (No I am not implying that this is me, for it is not, who it is knows who they are. Hehehe.) I have an example of Karma... not at work. If a girl has broken many hearts, wouldn't you think hers will eventually be broken because of it? I hope that this will never happen to a girl like this, for it is probably not for bad reasons that she breaks these hearts. The wrong people fall for her, and that may be her karma backslap. She wouldn't break these hearts if she liked these people, but she doesn’t so she sends them away, nicely enough. But will karma come back to haunt her, I joke about it often enough with her. I hope not, she deserves someone special, and no one special enough ahs come her way.
There is something I did, awhile back, I didn't mean to do it but I did it anyway. (No, this is not illegal or horribly bad in another way. Just an honest mistake.) Now, I think that this action and what I did in the aftermath are coming back to haunt me. There may be a way for me to fix it, but... I don't know how to go about it. Now that the effects of this event have set in I have realized how much it affects me now, even if it didn't then, and I deeply regret my lack of attention. I was distracted, and I ignored things right in front of me. It was a little less than a year ago now, and it still haunts me! It could even be a mistake that I think I made a mistake!
I doubt the person who was the victim of this mistake will read this, and even if they do they will probably not be able to tell I am talking about them. So, anyone whom I may have wronged, by accident or on purpose (Not many of those...) I am sorry. I hope you know this now, and hopefully, the event that I am actually talking about will be resolved...
Much Love and Remorse,
~ Jenna

Hopeless?

To egotistically quote myself, "I'm hopeless. Hopeless in this thing they call love." and life for that matter. That's a quote from my musical, if you wondered. A musical that you should read... but I do not trust the world of the internet with it for it doe snot have a copyright yet... So, if you know me join the group on Facebook. Ask me the name if you need to know... But as I was saying, I'm hopeless. To quote myself again, "Am I pretty? Don't have to be beautiful. But am I pretty? Even the most little tiny bit? Am I pretty? Don't have to be beautiful. But am I pretty? Pretty enough for him?" Another quote from the song rightfully titled "Hopeless."
That song has been playing itself endlessly in my head lately, that and another song that has not yet been placed in a musical... and may never be... Eh... I won't put up that song... too personal. The "Hopeless" song I actually wrote for my musical, most of that that is. The other song, was actually written from my heart, where the best and most embarrassing songs come from. It takes me awhile to want to share a song with my friends; it takes even longer for one of these personal songs to be taken from my private grasp.
Well, the point of this past was to talk about my hopelessness but I don't feel like it anymore... It just depresses me more. Hahaha, not really. Just frustrates me and makes me laugh at my sadness. Not like tears sadness, like "This is sad," sadness. Whatever...
Talk later...
~ Jenna
P.S. Premonition was right... My great-grandmother was having surgery for a bleeding ulcer around the time I felt it... I wasn't told about her surgery. I was told she was okay after she went home from the emergency room, only to return the next day... Scary...